Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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