So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
