Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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