I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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