I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize