Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
