i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
