Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
