living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
