Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
