My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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