OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
