I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize