i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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