wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize