My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
