im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
