Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
