My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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