I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
