I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize