There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
