I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize