did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
