i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
do nipples grow back?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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