I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
