He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
