the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize