Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
