I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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