He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
