just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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