I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
