You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
