i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
