Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
