note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
