I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
