i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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