Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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