My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
