A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Actions speak louder than pants.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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