she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize