You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
