Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
