This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
