Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
