Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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