I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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