She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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