Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
