i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
