What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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