apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
