eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
