I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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