Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
