My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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