im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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