i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well I just put wine in my tea
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
