the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
